Safety First Brah

Hawaii Vehicle Safety Inspection + Registration

I have now spent over 8 weeks here on the beautiful island of Hawaii. Each day has been a total adventure as I become accustomed to the much slower pace, the wild weather, the incredible energy, and the completely different lifestyle. Although I have had many blog-worthy experiences, I will recount one of the first that happened that I am still reeling from and could have sent this trip in an entirely different direction had I lost my composure at any time. Keep in mind that nothing happens very quickly here in Hawaii. No one is in a hurry and no one wants to be hurried. If you are trying to make something happen quickly, you are fighting against the tide man and it will generally prevail. It is known as Island Time and I can attest that it is a real thing. It takes several days and weeks to synch up to the slower pace and I was still pretty fresh off the mainland and rather spun-up.

Hawaii requires that an automobile undergo a safety inspection each year in order to keep your vehicle’s registration valid. Simply put…no safety inspection, no registration. This may seem like a swell idea but I’m not sure how much safer the roads are after seeing the process in action. It’s kinda of like that complimentary 15 point inspection you get at Jiffy Lube where the pissed off, hungover, tattooed dude changing your oil checks the OK box 15 times while Facetiming his baby momma without so much as replacing the oil pan plug back on the frickin engine. You know what I’m talking about…major pencil whipping going on for the most part. Surely it is simply a means to generate some cash for the Hawaii state government. It is easy to see who has a current Safety Inspection as there is a large sticker they place on your bumper showing when it expires. Mine happened to have the date of 06/16 which means I was 3 months past due. My ass was essentially hanging out in the wind with advertisement as such.

When I arrived in Hawaii both the Safety Inspection and Registration had lapsed so I was unknowingly driving our little Toyota truck completely illegally the 1st few days I was there. That was simply not gonna work given that i was usually trying to knock back a cold beer to reduce my risk of heart disease or finish off a righteous doobie to keep the glaucoma from setting in. So I was dead-set on getting official and legitimate much like I had to do after I swam across the Rio Grande so many years back. So one day, i woke up really early, brewed up a strong-ass cup of Bulletproof Coffee and set out for Hilo with laser-like focus and determination. I decided to wait on the beer and doobie since it wasn’t even close to noon yet. I had bidness to attend to and it’s not like i am on vacation.

Destination 1 – Vehicle Registration Office in Pahoa (8am sharp)
I stopped in to the vehicle registration office since it was directly on my way into Hilo. I quickly noticed that it was connected to a police station and i started to wonder whether I should just turn myself in right here before a Mexican stand-off ensued. However, i was feeling lucky and rolled the dice. I parked in the furthest stall, walked in calm and cool, and waited patiently in-line for an eternity while this really old California couple were being issued Hawaii state licenses and asking a litany of unnecessary questions that had me tapping my foot and coughing “come on now” periodically. Finally, they moved their show on the road where I noticed they were wearing matching socks and flip flops which makes no sense to me by the way. Anywho, my time arrived to speak with grumpy Moana. I handed her my expired registration and took out my wallet to pay and she simply said, “Safety Inspection”. Not sure if it was a question or a statement i handed her my safety inspection. “This expired long time”, she said. Eventually I gleaned that I could not register the vehicle without first getting a safety inspection. Ok, that makes some sense i thought. Take care Moana, I hope you feel better about not making employee of the month for September, there is always October Auntie.

Destination 2 – Safety Inspection Hilo (9:30am)
The only reason I went into Hilo was because they have a few places which do not require an appointment for a Safety Inspection and I really wanted to get this done today if at all possible. So I roll into one of these locations that happens to sell tires that is super busy. Finally a cool guy named Kaleo helps me and says he wants to check out my rig for a pre-inspection. So he circles around the truck and says I am not ready for an inspection, that i would fail for two reasons right off the bat. One is that my tires are nearly bald and the other is that I have a taillight assembly that is cracked which is also an automatic disqualifier. I knew we needed new tires anyway so I said, “no worries, let’s throw some new rubber on this hoopty Kaleo”. No way….too busy I would have to make an appointment for later that week. Arghhh…. So i begin calling around all the tire shops in Hilo to see if anyone had the right size and could install them sooner. This may be turning into a multi day effort I am beginning to realize just as several people had warned me. However, my piss and vinegar levels still seemed to be pretty solid.

Destination 3 – Tire Place Hilo (10:30)
I struck out at a lot of places before finally finding one that could get tires on that very day. It turns out, folks go through tires in Hawaii much quicker than on the mainland because there are so many rough jeep-like trails you must use which are riddled with razor sharp volcanic rock. Needless to say, the tire business is booming in Hilo. I settled on a small very established tire joint run by a nice Japanese/Hawaiian family called K & J Tire Center. Frankly, i was amazed they were able to pull this off so quickly and I spent no more than 90 minutes there all said and done. I used the time on my phone frantically calling various places regarding the tail-light assembly including the Toyota dealership, various junkyards, and auto parts stores. Once the tires were on and they passed me the keys, I laid down about a 30 ft accelleration scuff mark getting out of his parking lot that very well could have voided our tire warranty on the spot. I had no idea the little Toyota Tacoma could even do a wheel stand. I had shit to do and people to see brah.

Destination 4- Refurbished Auto Parts Store Hilo (12:30)
I use my Iphone to help me locate a place that claimed to have the tail light part stocked. I run up to the counter short of breath and say hey I’m the dude who called about the tail light assembly. He seems to be taking his sweet ass time but eventually locates the part and rings me up. I shamefully ask to borrow a phillips screwdriver so that I could install it in the parking lot. I believe that I lost a lot of Hilo street cred by not having any tools to speak of and particularly for not having my wild pig-hunting spears displayed on the roof of the truck like so many other bruddahs do. Let me just say, that it was scorching hot that day in Hilo and i was sweating like a whore in church just to remove the damaged light assembly. I pulled the refurbed one from the box and begin to install it before I notice some subtle differencs in the lens shape. Shit, better remove it, run in and swap this one just to be safe. I convince him to to cross check the part number again and he notices he was off by a digit. Unfortunately, the computer shows they are out of stock. I don’t remember what I said exactly but I believe it was something like, “Fucking A bruddah, you’re killin me right here”. He looks me up and down and notices one of my eyes beginning to twitch a bit and what appears to be the onset of Micheal Douglas’s movie Falling Down beginning to unfold. He says “hold up brah lemme run to da back and check firsthand just foyu”. He should have said let me take my sweet ass time and eventually meander to the back as slow as he was moving. Sure as shit, he locates the part and I am back in the parking lot skillet sweating like a pregnant nun at confession again. I finally install the light assembly, run in, toss back the Phillips to the dude in mid-trot, and yell at the guy loud enough for everyone in the store to hear me, “Shit, I better bust ass outta here so I can get to my pig hunt in Pahoa and I forgot to pick up my new spears at Target”. I saw several impressed looks and reactions on my way out the door that suggested my street cred was on the rise again.

Destination 5 – Safety Inspection – 2nd Try (2:30pm)
So I race back to inspection joint and proudly explain to Kaleo that I successfully acquired new tires and replaced the rear light and by now I am pretty much drenched in sweat from head to flip-flop. Kaleo pats me on the shoulder and says, “damn bruddah’s on a mission for realz”. So they take the truck into the garage and after only 10 minutes hand me a printed form that says Unofficial Safety Check Completion and charge me $25 which I paid in cash for some stupid reason. “What the hell do I do with this Kaleo, are you guys messing with me?” He explains to me that they cannot give me the official Safety Check sticker yet because the car is not legally registered. Realize that I have not eaten anything all day, there is very little time remaining to pull off Operation Bonafide, I am hot, bothered and still have no clue how the hell this system works. He says that I am to take the unofficial form to the DMV and it will allow me to register the car now however. Why, I have no fucking clue. “Dats crazy talk Kaleo”, I laugh on my way out.

Destination 6 – Hilo DMV (3:15pm)

So now I am racing across Hilo to the DMV there which will close in less than 45 mins (4pm). I take a quick look in the rear view mirror and was really not liking the wild-eyed mongrel looking back at me. I run across the parking lot and stand in a very long slow-moving line at the DMV. However, at least the place is air-conditioned. In fact, it was so cold my nipples were really trying to get noticed and my package….well let’s just say it wasn’t at full strength. Meanwhile my wife begins texting me that our other truck which is also registered in Hawaii is nearly expired and could I pretty please register that one since I am already at the DMV anyway. She sends me a cell phone pic of the registration with a cute little emoji of a heart. “Are you fucking kidding me”, flies loudly out of my mouth before I can get my hand there to muffle it. I’m clearly beyond testy by now. But because I love her so damn much, I agreed and texted “Of course baby, no problem at all, God I sure love you” along with an emoji with a blowing kiss. So i finally get to a counter and am miraculously able to start registering both trucks at once. Holy shit, I’m gonna pull this off! The lady rings it up and says i owe her $375 for both registrations. I wink and smile and hand her my best credit card. She says, “no silly, didn’t you see all da signs…cash o check”. I turned my head and noticed about 5 different signs on various walls clearly proclaiming only cash and checks accepted. I surely would have noticed these had I not been sexting back and forth with my wonderful wifey.  So I take a deep breath and pull out my wallet to see what I was working with. I had $362. If I would have paid for the freaking Safety Inspection with my credit card, I would have had enough. I instantly started hyena laughing and looking around crazily at everyone else with my nipples fully erect. Women clutched tightly to their children and purses as I walked out of there cackling like a mad freezing fool.

Destination 7 – Cash Machine Hilo (3:45pm)

Fortunately there is a cash machine just across the street and I take off for it flat hauling ass bro. My flip-flops were generating all kinds of heat and I didn’t even bother to check for passing cars. I am instantly sweating bullets again of course. I retrieve some cash and now I am running the anchor leg back to the DMV like Usain Bolt. You just don’t see speed like that these days I tell you. My legs are short but I can turn those babies over like a well-oiled sewing machine when shit is on the line.

Destination 8 – Hilo DMV 2nd Try (3:57pm)

I slip through the door with 3 minutes to spare but I am in….I am in!!!! If i had an American Flag, I would have draped it across my shoulders and started shaking hands and signing autographs right there but I digress. I get back to the same lady, she rings me up, I give her the knuckles and she explains that I simply need to go back to the Safety Inspection place to show them my current registration and that they would be able to get me the Official Safety Inspection stickers I had become so obsessed with. As preposterous as that was, I didn’t give one shit cause I knew they were open till 6 and me and Kaleo were getting pretty tight by now. I mean he was talking about naming his next kid after me for Chris sake.

Destination 8 – Safety Inspection 3rd Try (4:30pm)

Kaleo comes out smiling to greet me and shake my hand and asks to see my registration. I  proudly toss it onto the counter like I was making it rain and fire some air pistols at him with a silly wink and click. “You did it brah, dats impressive fosho”, he says. He gently handed me a sticker that read 09/17 and immediately a couple tears streamed down my cheek as we shared a moment. Then I busted outta there before things got too awkward since there was long line of people behind me.

Destination 9 – Convenience Store Hilo

I picked up a 24 oz Kona Big Wave and a bag of chips for the road. I was thirsty as hell by now and boy do i ever get the munchies after tearing through a spliff. I had new tires and I figured there was no harm that could come to me fresh off a Hawaiian Safety Inspection. So I cracked open the beer and lit up the spliff to help me unwind over the 45 min drive back to Pahoa. I always do my best pig slaying with a sweet little buzz. It’s not like these fictitious pigs are gonna kill themselves.